5 Weeks of Leave (or To the Edge of Sanity and Back)

I'm currently on maternity leave. 10 months after my baby was born. Here I'll tell you a little about how I got here, and what it's been like.

    3 months before my baby was due I had to leave work on disability. I wasn't technically on bed-rest, but I couldn't drive, and I lived in Beaverton so obviously no one was going to come hang out with me. For 3 months I literally did nothing but eat icecream, talk to my dog, and freak the fuck out because somehow I would have to get this human out of my body and take care of it for the rest of my life. After said baby was removed from my stomach I spent 12 weeks the way I imagine most new mothers do: crying tears of joy, then crying tears of despair for no reason, trying on pre-maternity clothes and crying some more when they didn't fit, getting puked on, and the remaining 20 hours a day were spent staring at my sleeping baby in bewilderment. Even though I had 8 remaining weeks of leave, after 6 months away I was READY to go back in June.

    For a few months I was Supermom. I was kicking butt at work and wiping butt at home without skipping a beat.

Baby Style Tip - Wacky Socks

I'm not trying to be pretentious here. My baby is no Mason Dash Disick (here Kourtney Kardashian talks about her son's evolving style). If he's even wearing pants, I typically only put him in stretchy sweat pants. Jeans are adorable, but hardly any baby jeans have stretch in them. If you were crawling on your hands and knees everywhere would you want to do it in tight, stiff jeans?  Baby mobility is frustrating enough. We save jeans for occasions where we really want people to think we're better and fancier than they are.

So if comfort and practicality are your top priorities when dressing your baby, how do you incorporate fashion without getting too cutesy? Answer - color! And my favorite colorful accessory - wacky socks!

4 Things Moms Need to Stop

Moms are bitches. I'm guilty of it too. A lot of people are bitches, but moms have their own brand of bitchiness that they dish out like sandwich triangles at snack time. Here are some things we Moms need to consider stopping:

1-Using "Sorry, it's the mom in me!" as an excuse to tell other people what to do. 

     I'm sure you've heard this. It may be your own mother after verifying that your seatbelt is buckled even though your 32. Maybe it's a co-worker telling you your lunch isn't very nutritious. It could be a waitress who tucks the tag into the back of your shirt. Your friend suggesting a one-drink minimum on your date tonight. Me, nagging my significant other for wearing his shoes in the house. I'm not a child, I don't need you trying to impose your well-intentioned will on me because X (insert your child's age) years and 9 months ago you drank a bottle of jagermeister at a Jon Butler concert (or however other people get pregnant).

thanks for making me feel old instagram

I finally put instagram on my phone today. Until now, I shit you not, I have been wondering how so many of my friends either afford fancy cameras or have massive amounts of time to spend photoshopping their photos into uber-hip, grainy, forcibly candid masterpieces. People without babies- this is what I think of you: I think you spend all of your time sitting at home photoshopping pictures you and your girlfriends took in the bathroom mirror of Blitz. Does photoshop even exist anymore? Is photoshop the atari of digital photo editing? Now that I know what instagram is, and that it’s appropriately named for its instantaneous nature, I wonder what the hell babyless people are filling their time with if it’s not photoshop.

I’m straining to remember what I did before I was pregnant. Ouch. Okay, here it is, let me create the visual for you…