4 Things Moms Need to Stop

Moms are bitches. I'm guilty of it too. A lot of people are bitches, but moms have their own brand of bitchiness that they dish out like sandwich triangles at snack time. Here are some things we Moms need to consider stopping:

1-Using "Sorry, it's the mom in me!" as an excuse to tell other people what to do. 

     I'm sure you've heard this. It may be your own mother after verifying that your seatbelt is buckled even though your 32. Maybe it's a co-worker telling you your lunch isn't very nutritious. It could be a waitress who tucks the tag into the back of your shirt. Your friend suggesting a one-drink minimum on your date tonight. Me, nagging my significant other for wearing his shoes in the house. I'm not a child, I don't need you trying to impose your well-intentioned will on me because X (insert your child's age) years and 9 months ago you drank a bottle of jagermeister at a Jon Butler concert (or however other people get pregnant).

2-Judging single people. (See last post - what a bitch move on my part!) 

     Here's what happens when you have a baby: Suddenly you are overcome by a tsunami wave of pure oxytocin-infused dopamine-firing mind-blowing everlasting core-shaking word-hyphenating love. Like you've never known before. This little thing destroyed the shape of your belly button, robbed you of your precious after-work cocktail, will keep you awake, puke, poop, and urinate on you, and take every spare dime you have basically for the rest of your life, and you LOVE it. As a person feeling this insane overpowering feeling, instead of saying "well I've clearly gone batshit crazy," you say "people who don't have this in their life are batshit crazy but I'm finally complete!" Our minds can't comprehend that maybe we're engaged in an irrational hormone fueled love affair with a life-sucking alien, so automatically our truth is that the baby-less are shallow empty shells bar-hopping their way to a lonely death. 

    Before I was a mom I thought this attitude stemmed from a jealousy for the freedom non-moms have. Are we jealous? Hell yeah! But the jealousy doesn't come until a few months after giving birth. As a new mom, I sincerely felt sorry for people without babies. Now I feel sorry for myself too. Just try to find a balance in pitying all people.

3-Saying "you don't know what love is until you've had a baby." Related: "if anything ever happened to my child, you have no idea..." 

     Admittedly, I've said both of these things. Huddle in and listen close moms...no one gives a shit! Don't go around telling people who've had moms and boyfriends and husbands and grandparents and childhood pets that they don't know what love is. Maybe they don't know the magic that  is loving a child. I don't know what it's like to sail on a yacht in the Cayman Islands while someone serves me champagne and hors d'oeuvres and some beezy telling me I have no idea what it's like isn't doing anything for her likability. Let others be happy with the role love has played in their lives and you be happy with the role it's playing in yours. For my thoughts on trying to explain to people how unimaginably devastating it would be to lose a child see the episode of Family Guy where Brian discovers he has a son and repeats "You have no idea...No, you have NO IDEA" over and over. 

4-Scaring people about to have babies.

     This might stem from jealousy, I'm not sure. While pregnant I sold trendy name brand clothing. Maybe some of you remember the JBrand Houlihan. $200+ pants with cargo pockets on the thighs. Every celebrity was photographed in them and every aspiring fashionista in Portland was on the prowl for them. While ringing one customer up for a pair I gushed "I just love these pants. If I wasn't pregnant I'd totally buy a pair!" She responds "Why don't you buy them now to wear later...Oh... Yeah. Because you'll probably never be the same size again." If that'd been my last day on the job I would have explained "No, lady, because they'll have been out of style for 4 months by the time I give birth." Instead I smiled and handed her bag to her. Her attitude was not uncommon. Nearly every time I told a mother I was pregnant, the conversation started with "congratulations!" and ended with a foreboding "your body will never be the same." 

     A lot of bodies aren't ever the same, but it's okay. It's worth it. Don't tell someone who doesn't yet understand how trivial the firmness of their belly button hole is that they're destroying their body and their youth. Pregnancy is stressful enough! And here's the thing no one told me, a lot of bodies are the same! I weigh less now than before I had my baby (thank you breastfeeding!). I made it out sans stretch marks, I eat like a 400 pound man, never work out, and am 2 sizes smaller. I understand I've hit the genetic jackpot here, but I'm also genetically predisposed to high cholesterol and heart disease so take it easy on the hate mail. I only share this to emphasize what bitches all the doom and gloom moms are who had me standing in the bathroom mirror naked-crying at my weird giant stretch body. When discussing pregnancy, save phrases like "your life is over" "say goodbye to going out" and "your body will never be the same" for promiscuous teenagers, thank you. 

Being a mother is beautiful. Don't let being a bitch detract from that!