Facebook Birthday Posting Guidelines

Ah, the Facebook birthday message - the new way for family, friends, past co-workers and people who never talked to you in High School to make you feel special. As someone who recently had a birthday IRL and on FB, I’d like to share the following insights:

        1. When someone writes “happy birthday” and nothing else it is basically the Facebook birthday version of the middle finger.
It translates roughly to “I hardly know you, I have no fond memories with you, but Facebook told me it was your birthday so out of obligation I’m acknowledging you with minimal effort.” If you have any compassion throw a “beautiful” or “bro” at the end. If someone close to you writes “happy birthday,” no capitalization or anything, you need to reevaluate your friendship.

         2. Don’t make a joke out of how impersonal the Facebook birthday message is. If you truly feel awkward wishing the person a happy birthday because you know you wouldn’t say hi to them if you saw them at the grocery store, opt out of the birthday wish. This is an actual quote from my Facebook wall: “Sorry I don’t remember you, but happy birthday all the same Morgan!” Might I add, this person friend requested me. We went to the same High School but never spoke, we were different grades and our paths just never crossed. It’s not necessary to apologize for not remembering me or not being more than loose acquaintances, especially not on my birthday. We’re good, man.

3. Hey, person writing the same birthday message on everyone’s wall - I see you, I know what you’re doing, I’m on to you. I’m not your enemy, I totally get it, you want to recognize people, you came up with one witty thing and it’s tough to come up with new material every time you hope someone has a special day. For awhile I was really into the birthday message “Hey, this is YOUR year!” I’m still into it. I’d be writing it on everyone’s wall every birthday, except for I have human decency and realize that’s not okay. It’s like regifting the same stinky candle over and over, in a public place where everyone can see you didn’t take the time to pick out a new candle. It makes me feel about as special as the birthday card from my dental office. It almost leaves me feeling dirty, like these are the same sheets from the last time you had a girl here.

         4. You can judge the value of your last year of life entirely on the number of birthday Facebook messages you receive. It’s not that you need a huge quantity of birthday messages, you just need more than last year. The premise is that if even one more person than last year sends you a birthday Facebook message it means you developed and/or maintained relationships better than you did the year before. If we want to get technical you probably need more than just one additional HBD based on Facebook’s growth, but I’m not here to make people feel bad. A win is a win. If you received less HBD’s this year look at it as an opportunity for growth. Did I post too many cat pictures last year? Were my attempts at humble brags too transparent? Did I routinely threaten to “cleanse” my friend list, then congratulate you over making the cut? Do I frequently post political memes that are offensive without being clever? 

         5. Remember, birthday people are looking for a total count. If you comment “Happy Birthday!!!” in the comments of someone else’s post it’s as effective as mumbling “happy birthday Morgan” under your breath in an underground cave thousands of miles away. Also, I’m appreciative of your birthday texts and Instagram wishes, but these don’t replace the Facebook birthday wish. How will people know my total worth as a human being if “X friends posted on Morgan’s timeline for her birthday” shows a deflated number?

         6. Real friends post pictures. This requires a monumental amount of effort (by millennial standards) and is the only way to show true affection. It says a) we have been photographed having a good time together and b) I care about you enough to spend time going through photos and reminiscing about our good photographed times, and maybe I care about you so much I'm going to make a collage, whiten our teeth or test out different filters until I've created the ultimate representation of our friendship for the entire internet to see. 

         7. Yes, it’s a competition. If your relationship involves any element of power struggle (and what relationship between 2 live people doesn’t?), it’s important to be brutally competitive with your spouse about who receives more birthday messages. The winner should berate the birthday loser close to the point of tears. On my husband’s birthday I threatened not to publicly wish him a happy birthday if he got more posts than I did on my last birthday. He did (wth), and I ended up writing on his wall anyway. Big mistake.  He savagely neglected to write anything on my wall this year. Not so much as a no-caps “happy birthday.” It may have been because he worked 16 hours that day. I don’t think he realizes we’re now at war. Nonetheless, war it is, and from here on out I will show NO MERCY. No #MCM, no Anniversary posts, no mention in my annual thankful for my family Thanksgiving post, social media stonewalling has begun.

         8. The day-after gratitude for the birthday messages is not necessary. The midday gratitude is even less necessary. In fact, I find it off-putting. It’s always some form of “Wow, you guys really made my day special. Thanks for all the birthday wishes.” I interpret this as a sort of haughty. You just don’t need to publicly recognize people for recognizing you, especially when that recognition was prompted by Facebook and took 13 characters of effort. I know you’re just trying to be gracious but it comes off as an overestimation of how much people care. 

Hopefully you can take this valuable information and use it to let your second cousin once removed who you met at a wedding you went to in junior high know how truly special she is to you. Or you can totally ignore it because wishing people a happy birthday is pretty nice, no matter how you do it.