Facebook Birthday Posting Guidelines

Ah, the Facebook birthday message - the new way for family, friends, past co-workers and people who never talked to you in High School to make you feel special. As someone who recently had a birthday IRL and on FB, I’d like to share the following insights:

        1. When someone writes “happy birthday” and nothing else it is basically the Facebook birthday version of the middle finger.

The Problem with My 28th Birthday

     I turned 28 on Monday. I spent a lovely day with my kids and my darling mother who traveled all the way from civilization to see me and make my birthday special. She brought me sweet gifts she knew I’d love, helped me to celebrate, not feel too lonely, and showered my children with treats, toys and love like only a grandma can. I should just stop writing now, but that’s not my style, and neither is having perfectly enjoyable birthdays. Instead, my birthday is a cautionary tale about high expectations.

     Most of the time I’m pretty content not being the most important person alive,

Planning my 1st Baby's 1st Birthday

     I do not excel in girly etiquette-requiring activities. I frequently invent elaborate stories/lies about why the thank you card (which I definitely never wrote) didn't arrive. I make a list of people I want to send Holiday cards to sometime in October, but haven't mailed one in at least 3 years. I show up to birthdays with a six pack I picked up at a convenient store on my way as a present. I was a bridesmaid for the first time last year and I didn't even bring a wedding gift (really sorry about that Tasha and Sean....who needs a new toaster oven when you have a lifetime of happiness though, am I right? But seriously, I'm deeply ashamed, that's terrible.) In highschool my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend baked him cookies every football game and wore ribbons in her hair with his jersey number painted on in puff paint. If I ever baked cookies they were inevitably  every shape except round and unintentionally crunchy, and I was more likely to be inhaling puff paint than using it for crafts. My point is that I suck at this stuff.